Welcome!

"No one likes you."

For some reason those words ring in my head as I sit here writing my first post. I remember who said them and I remember how I felt after hearing them.

Awful. Ugly.

I don't believe those words now, but someone saying them, especially someone who you thought was your friend is hard to say.

The person who said that could probably be reading these words now, and not even remember she said them. And do you know what? Hopefully, maybe one day, I won't remember those words either.

But the time I did, all I could think about what she said. She wasn't talking about friends, though. She was talking about boys. As in "No boys like you," or "No boys have a crush on you."

But you know what? They didn't like her either.

So what if they didn't like me? In a past time, maybe they would have. But now?

Now, I'm the "sick girl", the girl who has lupus and had chemo. The girl with no hair, and is slightly large (from medication). So why would anyone like me?

Well, its their loss. If they just got to know me, maybe they would like me. I remember at my old school I was certainly popular enough.

And you know? The girl who said that, didn't have any true friends that I knew of.

That was last year though, so I should just give that up. But I can't. What about my friends, who have boyfriends? I haven't had one. I know its all about "you'll have one when you're ready," and all that jazz, but it would still be nice to be ASKED.

*****************


What would you do if you had one day left to live?

I was thinking about this question a few days ago when I was beading, and that Nickelback song came on. "If today was your last day".

You think about death alot when your sick. Not suicide, not for me anyway. But just, what life would be like for everyone else if I was gone, what happens to me when I die? Stuff like that.

Anyway, so I was thinking about all the stuff I'd want to do if it was my last day. So, this is my list so far, I guess it will be a work in progress, and I'll update it on here, everytime I want to add something new:

- Kick/Punch my lupus doctor
- Kick/Punch this kid that was in my religon class.
- Get Revenge(somehow) on guy named Thor.
- Tell everyone I love them
- Give rock that says "Suck on this" to doctor.


I will explain these goals in posts as I go. I will start with the first one:

I want to kick/punch my lupus doctor, (I will refrain from calling him his real name. Therefore, he will further be known as Dr.Dumbass)

So. Dr.Dumbass is excatly that, a dumbass. Sure, he is like, the top researcher and doctor in the lupus field, but he has no manners whatsoever.

I tell him I have an extremely bad symptom and he ignores it. Two weeks later, I'm in emergency, being told I need to be admitted.

And, because of my lupus and medications, I have a bone disease, called AVN. It started in my hip. Getting Dr.Dumbass to believe me about my sore hip was torture. THEN, getting him to believe my knee pain, which was AVN took another two months or so. The latest? My shoulders. He said it was rare to have AVN in the shoulders. He wouldn't get a test done on them for me, finally, I got an MRI on them, thanks to ANOTHER DOCTOR.

He is also terrible about giving me bad news. He tells me I need to get chemotherapy that could cause brain disease? He'd freak out too. Instead, he tells me I need to see a pysciatrist, or at least somebody to help. So I go to help. He tells me I have a right to freak out and be mad!

Thats why, if it WAS my last day, I would so have Dr.Dumbass's kick/punch first in my agenda.



****************


Going back to my first topic, I guess someone would need to go to school to be asked on a date. Is it my fault I'm sick? My fault that I don't get to live the way I want?

NO. ITS NOT.

People say I'm so serious, and act older then I am. I wonder why?!

And you know, its not even just boys I'm talking about, I guess. I'm talking about FRIENDS in general.

Do you know how many friends I have? About seven. At most.

The school I go to (sort of) is just, like, a huge, friendship pool. Everyone seems to know each other. Except me. Why? Cause I'm the little, chubby, no haired girl, who everyone thinks is probably a cross-dressing boy.

Like, really.